The Louis Padilla Story


Welcome to my website, I bet you’re happy to be here... pretty neat eh? I had Gina make it up for me - she owed me for whacking her old man. She works at one of the offices down town and I figured they use computers and all that nerd stuff ha.

My name’s Louis. Louis Padilla. New Yorker through and through. Been ‘round the block a few times. Inside, outside, inside, and outside again. In prison, dinner was always a big thing. we had a pasta course, then meat or fish. Paulie was doing a year for contempt, and had a wonderful system for garlic. He used a razor and sliced it so thin it would liquefy in the pan with a little oil. It’s a very good system. Vinnie was in charge of the tomato sauce.

But anyway...

We have a lot of great products here at the Suzuki Plaza Audio Mill, but I’d like to present as my featured product right here the ‘Muzak Uzi’ - it performs all 4 musical types: Prog, Jazz, Country + Western and Baroque (Tony tells me it’s a type of rock music, maybe the one with the stupid haircuts). This weapon is great for pussies like you - you can kill people even if you’re a wimp and if you’re into music that’s not a problem because this gun produces music as you fire at passers-by. I got the idea after I finished with my niece - all these young kids today walking around with earmuffs on and looking at tiny TVs - “Get a real one you pricks!” I used to shout out to them but she told me that these dumb kids are making a few guys at the top a lot of money (it’s also a lot easier to smack them and take their bread) ...she said they listen to music and each time they play a song, some guy with a lame-ass haircut and some kind of business suite gets a couple of cents. Not much - but there’s millions of these kids all up and down the East Coast, probably in other states too like Canada and Africa. After I heard that, Louis had to get a piece of the pie - and you bet it’s gonna be a bigger piece than the next guy, right? right? So I found these 4 chumps off the street - my niece told me they were pussies but they have the machinery and equipment modern butt-heads use for making ‘music’ (I mean, come on - it’s never gotten as good as when Tony Pitzicada was singing with the Blue Boys down at Mungo’s Strip Club). We set up a neat ruse...I found out where they lived and burst in without knocking, yelling swears. They were shit scared once they found out it was Louis so I threatened them, their options: death or come play for Louis. Of course they weren’t that stupid so they now are my boys with a full contract - 10 years or the rest of their life, whichever is longest. I set up the Audio Mill down at Suzuki Plaza, all day every day they are there making me money. It’s great! I can’t wait till those dollars come rolling in - lotta money, lotta money. To celebrate I got a tattoo - where’s yours? My lawyer says after 6 months I’ll get the first check - with a few hundred kids listening to my products it could be millions of dollars per year. I could afford to retire to Boston.